This Time I Talk About Genesis and Apollo 11

Monday, October 5, 2009

So I’m a 24-year old straight guy who happens to have one sibling. Top it off with me being the eldest; I make the perfect target of my mom to ask one of dreaded questions a son can expect from a fifty-something-already-retired mother — “When can I have a grandson?”

This happened a few weeks ago when my mom and I had a chat. It started with the usual hi-hello-how-are-you’s then boom-boom pow, mom came out with the question, “Anak, may anak ka na ba?”

I understand that parents — especially at that age — start to worry about the future of their children. Who wouldn’t? Middle-aged parents actually worry on how their children at a marrying age and with the skyrocketing testosterone and estrogen levels would live after they are gone. I also understand that by me being the eldest, it is only logical that I am the savior of our species – our kind – to spread the seeds of the Hernandez blood, the first man, the first handsome son to give them a grand child.

Ok. But first, let me get this straight. I do not want to get any indecent proposals after writing this post. I hope that’s clear to everybody (Although a part of me is wanting). Second is that I am not in a hurry. Yes. The idea to be tempted to have a child is easy. Making a child is even easier. But raising a child? Well, that’s a different ball game. But with nearly half of my friends already having thoughts on having their own families or have a child already, that’s pressure. “Hey, when are you getting married?” “L.A., will I be invited to your wedding.” “L.A. the clock is ticking, where is it?” “L.A., are you impotent?” L.A. here, L.A. there. You know, being bombarded with these questions sometimes scare the shit out of my Willy Wonky.

Why? Well, let’s dive in first to the possibilities on how the twenty-four-year-old-L.A.-under-pressure-with-balls-shaking can have a child. The most common but probably the “stupidest” possibility is what Ade Magnaye calls paid relationship. Prostitutes! Really. But come to think of it, I don’t want to have a child with some prostitute. Do you? I don’t. I do not want to play with my child while my prostitute-slash-wife smokes like there’s no tomorrow while I scratch the intolerable itch I got after making my Apollo 11 glide through the vast intergalactic space commonly known as the female reproductive organ of a prostitute. Hell, no!

And then there’s surrogacy — to impregnate someone and give the offspring to somebody. Dammit! I am not a sperm bank!

Third possibility is to have someone agree with me to have a child minus the wedding bells and the commitment. At first, this sounds ohhh-summm but later on, I’m gonna have a problem with child custody and the legitimacy of the child – not to mention the complicatedness of my relationship with the f-buddy.

[Other possibilities removed because it might scare the hell out of my future wife.] :p

So mom if you are reading this, please don’t expect to have a grandchild soon. I assure you that I am straight and I do have plans to have my own family. This is just not the right time. In 10 years max, you will see your little apo play around my house, eat your delicious baked macaroons, and listen to your bedtime stories you once told me. Patience is a virtue.

And to the girl who will provide me with a child in the future, Apollo 11 doesn’t have a problem. So there. Rawr!

So I’m a 24-year old straight guy who happens to have one sibling. Top it off with me being the eldest; I make the perfect target of my mom to ask one of dreaded questions a son can expect from a fifty-something-already-retired mother — “When can I have a grandson?”

This happened a few weeks ago when my mom and I had a chat. It started with the usual hi-hello-how-are-you’s then boom-boom pow, mom came out with the question, “Anak, may anak ka na ba?”

I understand that parents — especially at that age — start to worry about the future of their children. Who wouldn’t? Middle-aged parents actually worry on how their children at a marrying age and with the skyrocketing testosterone and estrogen levels would live after they are gone. I also understand that by me being the eldest, it is only logical that I am the savior of our species – our kind – to spread the seeds of the Hernandez blood, the first man, the first handsome son to give them a grand child.

Ok. But first, let me get this straight. I do not want to get any indecent proposals after writing this post. I hope that’s clear to everybody (Although a part of me is wanting). Second is that I am not in a hurry. Yes. The idea to be tempted to have a child is easy. Making a child is even easier. But raising a child? Well, that’s a different ball game. But with nearly half of my friends already having thoughts on having their own families or have a child already, that’s pressure. “Hey, when are you getting married?” “L.A., will I be invited to your wedding.” “L.A. the clock is ticking, where is it?” “L.A., are you impotent?” L.A. here, L.A. there. You know, being bombarded with these questions sometimes scare the shit out of my Willie Wonky.

Why? Well, let’s dive in first to the possibilities on how the twenty-four-year-old-L.A.-under-pressure-with-balls-shaking can have a child. The most common but probably the stupidest possibility is what Ade Magnaye calls paid relationship. Prostitutes! Really. But come to think of it, I don’t want to have a child with some prostitute. Do you? I don’t. I do not want to play with my child while my prostitute-slash-wife smokes like there’s no tomorrow while I scratch the intolerable itch I got after making my Apollo 11 glide through the vast intergalactic space commonly known as the female reproductive organ of a prostitute. Hell, no!

And then there’s surrogacy — to impregnate someone outside of marriage and give the offspring to somebody. Dammit! I am not a sperm bank!

Third possibility is to have someone agree with me to have a child minus the wedding bells and the commitment. At first, this sounds ohhh-summm but later on, I’m gonna have a problem with child custody and the legitimacy of the child – not to mention the complicatedness of my relationship with the f-buddy.

[Other possibilities removed because it might scare the hell out of my future wife.] :p

So mom if you are reading this, please don’t expect to have a grand child soon. I assure you that I am straight and I do have plans to have my own family. This is just not the right time. In 10 years max, you will see your little apo play around my house, eat your delicious baked macaroons, and listen to your bedtime stories you once told me. Patience is a virtue.

And to the girl who will provide me with a child in the future, Apollo 11 doesn’t have a problem. Rawr!

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